Originally published on October 10, 2017
This is a 10-minute streamline writing, learn more here.
“Best mom ever” he says leaning heavily into me as I reach out to brace myself on the kitchen counter. The world stops in this moment as I have been without my son’s love extending this way for so long now that I know what feels like to have him ignore me, express hate for me, wish me away.
In hindsight I see this stemmed from my putting my foot down on playing video games in our home. His dad who lived in a separate town had no rules where this came in and thus was the difficulty. I was terrified of him playing video games hours on end and turning to this modality to relax himself. When I was pregnant with him that is what his father did. It was, I think, the stress of our having a baby and him providing for us. He grew up a latchkey kid and his mom was gone most afternoons and evenings and playing video games was his turn to. I wanted more for our son.
To feel disconnected from your child makes you crave and want nothing more than to connect. There I was in my kitchen and all I wanted to do was freeze time, feed him all the cookies in the world as I rested here with his warm body on mine, making my whole self available when he chooses to plug in and connect.
Until he turned 13, I didn’t know that his choice to love me and come into my space was exactly that …. his choice. For so long we pamper and feed and drive them here and there, administer kisses and lunchboxes as though it were always so. Yet, there comes a time as many a parent knows when a child outgrows you in size and the table turns ever so slight.
No longer do we do, do, do. Now we wait, wait, wait. Wait for that moment of connection as if it were our last breath for this is how heavenly it can feel when our children choose to come and ask for our time and knowledge and wisdom.
This mom I know gives it freely, an outpouring of heart wishing it will never end. The preciousness of motherhood is real. Soak it up, soak it in and let those individual moments last as long as your child allows and then there you will wait for the next return.
Enjoy the in-between of getting re-acquainted with yourself and loved ones. Reignite your passion and zest for life if this has faded or been lost and keep being the best you that you can be. For a child never strays far even if appearances do seem so. They are always watching and hoping for a reunited return.
Written by Tara in 10 minutes on September 18, 2017