This is a 10-minute streamline writing, more about them here.
“Best mom ever” he says leaning heavily into me so I reach out to brace myself on the kitchen counter. The world stops in this moment for I have been without my son’s love extending this way. I know what it feels like to have him to choose to ignore me, to express hate for me, to wish me away.
I have felt that level of disconnect and want nothing more than to connect with him now. Feed him all the cookies in the world as I rest just so, making my whole self available when he chooses to plug in and connect.
This is a 10-minute streamline writing, more about that here.
I have always taken time to be with myself. I find getting away to be therapeutic, kind of a walkabout if you will. Where I get in my car when weather is right and kids are cared for. I don’t have a destination and drive with adventure of moving to where feels right to go. Keeps me in the moment when I return to “home life”, a more predictable way of living with days that are scheduled and mornings that feel the same.
This is a guest post spirit writing. Being abandoned is a tough pill to swallow and writing about this touchy subject brings perspective and understanding. What you see here has not been edited or changed, you read it as the writer received it.
It is hard to describe to someone who has always had a mother, what NOT having one is like. I guess those who are motherless too have the most understanding on this topic, yet for each and every one of us it is different. We have different triggers, different longings and while one may think that the need for a mother may dissipate over time, it is in fact quite the opposite.
This spirit writing came at a time when my 14 year old began to pull away and live with his dad. For weeks I felt anger, guilt, sadness, and decided to sit down, bring in my higher guides and write.
He is broody, this is true. But in this very way so are you. He is inner, you are outer and this is all a balancing act. You both are playing in the age-old game. The trick is not to look down or all around and definitely don’t look back. That’s the easiest way to fall. For there will be regrets galore for why did you do that? Why didn’t I do this? See, there you go already thinking of it all.
This spirit writing came when I was feeling sorry for the mom I thought I’d be and didn’t get to be. Sorry that I got the brunt of being a single mom, not once but twice. Why other moms got it all and I got so little. Wishing I’d had the luxury of putting my kids on the front burner. Pure self pity. Then I felt a buzzing in my head, the one that tells me to write. Here’s what came through…
I have been ‘spirit writing’ since my 20’s. This type of writing always begins the same way…I get a quiet kind of buzz in the back of my head and hear the first sentence or two. When I feel this I stop what I am doing, put pen in hand, and write. That’s the trick. Not to turn your ego or brain on. Just write, let the words flow and come together as they do. It’s a bit like getting out of your own way.