

“Best mom ever” he says leaning heavily into me so I reach out to brace myself on the kitchen counter. The world stops in this moment for I have been without my son’s love extending this way. I know what it feels like to have him to choose to ignore me, to express hate for me, to wish me away.
I have felt that level of disconnect and want nothing more than to connect with him now. Feed him all the cookies in the world as I rest just so, making my whole self available when he chooses to plug in and connect.
I have always taken time to be with myself. I find getting away to be therapeutic, kind of a walkabout if you will. Where I get in my car when weather is right and kids are cared for. I don’t have a destination and drive with adventure of moving to where feels right to go. Keeps me in the moment when I return to “home life”, a more predictable way of living with days that are scheduled and mornings that feel the same.
It is hard to describe to someone who has always had a mother, what NOT having one is like. I guess those who are motherless too have the most understanding on this topic, yet for each and every one of us it is different. We have different triggers, different longings and while one may think that the need for a mother may dissipate over time, it is in fact quite the opposite.
He is broody, this is true. But in this very way so are you. He is inner, you are outer and this is all a balancing act. You both are playing in the age-old game. The trick is not to look down or all around and definitely don’t look back. That’s the easiest way to fall. For there will be regrets galore for why did you do that? Why didn’t I do this? See, there you go already thinking of it all.
I have been ‘spirit writing’ since my 20’s. This type of writing always begins the same way…I get a quiet kind of buzz in the back of my head and hear the first sentence or two. When I feel this I stop what I am doing, put pen in hand, and write. That’s the trick. Not to turn your ego or brain on. Just write, let the words flow and come together as they do. It’s a bit like getting out of your own way.