This is a guest post spirit writing. Being abandoned is a tough pill to swallow and writing about this touchy subject brings perspective and understanding. What you see here has not been edited or changed, you read it as the writer received it.
It is hard to describe to someone who has always had a mother, what NOT having one is like. I guess those who are motherless too have the most understanding on this topic, yet for each and every one of us it is different. We have different triggers, different longings and while one may think that the need for a mother may dissipate over time, it is in fact quite the opposite.
For as we grow older and wiser we see the beautiful magic that is created between a mother and daughter, the deep level of understanding and love that seems to sit between the two. I watch them, all the time now, for I can do so. It was too hard when I was young for the longing was too hard to bear for a heart so young.
Now, it still brings tears to my eyes, but I also feel joy in the fact that I can observe with an open heart and an acknowledgement of all that I have missed. I always kept the fact that my mother walked out on me a secret from others.
I felt ashamed and embarrassed that this was my situation. That indeed people must think that something must be deeply wrong with me for a mother to walk away.
I know now that this is not true, that she simply had her own truth to live, that the life she was in was not the one she had dreamed of, and that is ok. She could never have imagined the aftermath that would follow, not in the next year or so, but decades from now as her own role of ‘mother’ was challenged. She made a choice all those years ago to walk away.
She not only walked away from her husband and children, but she abandoned a future relationship that would be longed for, mourned for and missed by her daughter. So as I watch a mother and daughter enjoying a movie together, talking over lunch, enjoying an afternoon of shopping, there is still a place in my heart that reaches out for that too, to have just a taste of that experience.
Then I breathe in deep and fill that empty space with a knowing that I understand the importance of this relationship between a mother and child, that it is something to be cherished, and that elements of it can be found in other relationships, that sometimes it is not your birth mother who can provide you with all that you have been looking for.
The nurturing, the understanding; the acceptance of you just the way you are. A ‘mother’ is someone who can touch the deepest part of you, who can embrace you and swallow you whole. She is everything you ever imagined she would be.
Written through Kirsten Leggett on April 12th 2017
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Try spirit writing out for yourself; It’s an uplifting way to bring understanding to an issue that you would like deeper insight into. If you feel daunted, try your hand at a 10-minute writing and ease in that way. If you have a writing that you would like to share here, please send in word.docx ✨
