Now You Are Still …. Losing My Baby Girl

Now You Are Still …. Losing My Baby Girl

Tara Carpenter, NC.

Nutrition Consultant helping people of all ages to heal from yeast, bacteria, and viral overgrowth/infection.

Originally published on July 30th 2006.

I wrote the following poem at Brigham & Women’s Hospital in Boston while recovering from a sepsis infection that near killed me, required I receive 3 blood transfusions, and caused my baby to miscarry at 15 weeks in utero.

In the palm of my hand, you are at peace.

You are still.

Just minutes prior you were stretching and kicking.

Inside me.

Now, I hold you who spent 15 weeks inside me warm and safe.

Now you are still.

The indent in your chin, the graceful curve there.

A little girl with long fingers and toes like her dad.

Fresh tears come when I remember.

Now you are still.

In a box all your own, empty of spirit.

Only bones as strong and delicate as can be.

Kissing your soft head.

Ever carefully.

Bruised from your entrance into this world.

Your hands gently closed, legs pulled in.

Quiet and still.

You lay in my palm.

May your journey be smooth and you return once again.

Baby girl of mine.

I love you.

I am a lioness, licking tenderly to taste you.

Your saltiness.

Craving you; holding back the urge to bite your cord; eat you whole.

I suck the blood from your cord.

I want to take you back into the depths of my womb.

Where you can grow and be the girl you are.

Your body so defined.

My heart burst in pieces.

Shattering to the world, to know my agony.

I birthed you three days ago.

I miss you.

You who are still.

Still as can be.

Little you, I am sorry if I caused you to go.

Still now you are.

I ache for you the daughter you are, the sister you would be.

The woman you were to become, the mom you may have been.

I will hold you close and wait for you to come.

I will listen for you.

I am your mother.

You are my daughter.

On a quiet Thursday afternoon I kissed you lightly.

Feeling waves of love.

You lay there still as can be.

To receive.

I could have held you in longer, loved you more.

I will tread lightly through these woods of guilt.

Remembering the curve of your chin.

I will move through life and love you more.

I love you baby girl.

May you be still.

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