“Now You Are Still”: Losing My Baby

“Now You Are Still”: Losing My Baby

Tara Carpenter, NC.

Nutrition Consultant helping people of all ages heal from yeast, bacteria, and viral overgrowth/infection.

Originally published on July 30th 2006.

I wrote the following while at Brigham & Women’s Hospital in Boston recovering from a sepsis infection that required I receive three blood transfusions; causing my baby to miscarry.

In the palm of my hand, you are at peace.

You are still.

Minutes prior you stretched and kicked

Inside me.

Now I hold you, who spent 15 weeks inside me warm and safe.

Now you are still.

The indent in your chin, the graceful curve.

A little girl with long fingers and toes.

Fresh tears come when I remember.

Now you are still.

In a box all your own, empty of spirit.

Only bones strong and delicate as can be.

Kissing your soft head carefully.

Bruised from your sudden entrance to this world.

Your hands gently closed, your legs pulled in.

Quiet still.

You lay in my palm.

May your journey be smooth, may you return again.

Baby girl of mine.

I love you.

I am a lioness, licking tenderly to taste

Your saltiness.

The blood from your cord.

I want you back in the depth of my womb.

Where you can grow and be the girl you are.

Your body defined.

My heart burst into pieces.

Shattering to the world to know my agony.

I birthed you three days ago.

I miss you.

You who are still as can be.

I am sorry if I caused you to go.

Still you are.

I ache for you the daughter you are, the sister you would be.

The woman you were to become, the mom you may have been.

I will hold you close, wait for you to come.

I will listen for you.

I am your mother.

You are my daughter.

On a quiet Thursday afternoon, I kissed you lightly.

Feeling waves of love.

You lay there still as can be.

To receive.

I could have held you in longer, loved you more.

I will tread lightly through these woods of guilt.

Remembering the curve of your chin.

I will move through life and love you more.

I love you baby girl.

May you be still.

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