Originally published on October 10, 2017
This is a 10-minute streamline writing, learn more here.
“Best mom ever” he says leaning heavily into me as I reach out to brace myself on the kitchen counter. The world stops in this moment as I have been without my son’s love extending this way for so long now that I know what feels like to have him ignore me, express hate for me, wish me away.
In hindsight I see this stemmed from my putting my foot down on playing video games in our home. His dad who lived in a separate town had no rules where this came in and thus was the difficulty. I was terrified of him playing video games hours on end and turning to this modality to relax himself. When I was pregnant with him that is what his father did. It was, I think, the stress of our having a baby and him providing for us. He grew up a latchkey kid and his mom was gone most afternoons and evenings and playing video games was his turn to. I wanted more for our son.
To feel disconnected from your child makes you crave and want nothing more than to connect. There I was in my kitchen and all I wanted to do was freeze time, feed him all the cookies in the world as I rested here with his warm body on mine, making my whole self available when he chooses to plug in and connect.